I have a good D-Mom face. A face that lets everyone, all the time, know that everything is fine even when it's not. Even when it's so far from fine that my insides hurt and my brain is swelling. I lost face tonight.
I changed Brandan's infusion site for his pump when he got out of the tub. The needle entered and exited his skin smoothly and he barely flinched. While I was clipping the tube to the site on his hip he had one simple request, "Don't hurt me anymore, okay?" I stared straight in his eyes and debated what he meant. Right now while attaching it, maybe. Hopefully. Because once-in-a-while he complains about that. "Mama. Stop hurting me, okay?" The screaming inside my head went something like this: SOMEBODY DOOO SOMETHING! MAKE A NOISE! LOGAN! DISTRACT HIM! JONATHAN! COME INSIDE! OH GOD, HE'S STILL LOOKING AT ME! HE'S WAITING FOR ME TO ANSWER! "ooookkkkaaaaayyyyyy, mmmmmaaaaaaammmmmmaaaaaa?" (Slowed down for dramatic effect) Teary-eyed, I told him that I WILL hurt him again because he's gonna need more hulks (the name he donned his infusion sets). I finished with the task of getting his pump ready to deliver the insulin. "Why? Why do you have to keep hurting me with hulks?" I tried to squash all emotion when I said, "Because you need your pump, Brandan." FAIL! His big blues met mine and he said, "But mama, when you hurt me like this it makes you so sad." I sputtered out some nonsense, "It makes me a little sad, but I don't mind because I know that it will only hurt a minute and the insulin will make you better for 3 days before I have to hurt you again."
Okay, let me tell you why that didn't make any sense. First; I lied. Bold-faced. It makes me a lot sad. I mind it every minute of everyday with every breath. I don't know if it will be 3 days before I hurt him again. I could have to wake him up tonight to hurt him. Hell, if the lancet hits him wrong when I check his sugar I will hurt him.
Second; It doesn't "make him better", it keeps him WELL, it keeps him ALIVE. And THIS is what almost came out of my mouth tonight: I HURT YOU SO YOU DON'T DIE!