Superficially Aware -or- Admitting My Superficiality

Brandan has some new bald spots. His autoimmune disease, alopecia, has attacked once more. The first and only time this happened was 2 years ago. He lost almost every hair on his head, including his eyebrows and eyelashes. It took over a year for it to start growing back. There are no health concerns with this disease. It is only hair loss. "Only."

I've just noticed that when I look at the back of his head, my face falls. I look at him with pity. I feel sadness. It is just hair and, I dare say, it hurts me as bad as diabetes.

Brandan has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). One of his quirks was that he wouldn't let anything on his head. No hats. No masks. No sunglasses. Not even headphones. Nothing at all could be on his head. When his head was bare and it was cold outside I had to make him wear knit hats. I enforced it by telling him he can't, he is not allowed, to go outside without it. He was 3 and he loved to play outside so of course he did it. Just like he takes the needles because he has to.

When summer came I encouraged ball caps. Sometimes he would wear them and sometimes not. I felt better, relieved even, when he wore them. I just realized, looking back, that I saw him differently. But I treated him the same. At least, I think so. I meant to. Did I?

It didn't bother Brandan. It didn't matter to other children. But I can't stand it. I don't hide his diabetes at all. I always do what needs to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of where we are or the surroundings. But. For some reason. That bald head made me feel like it was advertising that my son has a medical condition. Which he does and I don't mind talking about it. So why does it bother me? It just does. I have no better answer than that.

I didn't like it when people asked me what's wrong with him. It happened A LOT. Adults would blurt it out in front of him. "What's wrong with him?" My answer was always, "Nothing is WRONG with him, but he has....(explanation of diseases." To prevent the freak out of making a person think their, their mom's, their dad's, yadda yadda's diabetes would make their hair fall out, I had a prepared speech I gave each time.

"Does he have cancer?" was also very popular. Then I had many good natured souls come up to me out of the blue and tell me how beautiful my boy is. Which he is, was, and always will be, but I know what they meant.

Hypocritically, I got mad when somebody looked at him with sorrow. Once in a while Brandan would hear me say something along the lines of "his hair fell out." I had to watch that because it caused a sadness in his eyes. A few times I had to run away and cry because he noticed and mentioned not having hair.

He thinks it was a haircut. I didn't know that until it grew back. We used to shave off the few little patches he had left. So when it grew back long and I suggested a haircut, he said to me, "But I like my hairs. I don't want them cut away." He like his hairs. HE LIKES HIS HAIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's going to hurt him this time. Every morning and every night I put the cream on his bald spots to grow the hair back. He asks me why and all I say is, "Because you need it." No sense in worrying him about it.