Saturday, April 9, 2011

What have I done?

Maybe not much. Maybe something irreversible. Definitely something I'm ashamed of.

Back in December Brandan got sick. Even though it took him a couple of weeks to get over it, I never took him to the doctor for it. I kept the ketones away and the one time he got a fever I treated it. His sugar stayed high as it always does when he's sick, but other than the cough and runny nose, he didn't seem too sick. I mean, he still ate and played and everything.

He was well by Christmas, but his sugar stayed high. There was no sense in trying insulin changes with the screwy activity and such, so I would wait until after it all settled.

I don't know what kept me from simply downloading his pump and meter to email his nurses in the next couple of weeks, but I didn't. Then, January 14, I was in the hospital. I gave birth to my premature baby. I was out of town without the Animas software for 3 weeks. I could have still called his endo office, but I didn't. Oh no, couldn't take the time.

AT THE END OF FEBRUARY I found the time to contact his nurses. And then....... I'm back at the hospital with the baby. This time I was at least nice enough to check my email and make the insulin adjustments his nurse gave me.

Everyday I saw numbers in the 200s. 300s. Some 400s. Ev.er.y.day. And everyday I told myself that I need to download and email his log again. First, I decided to try and handle it myself. I increased all basals. Better, but I still saw numbers in the 200s all day.

I finally emailed the nurses this week. I looked at these numbers. I thought of how long they've been this way. I am sick about it. I wonder, what have I done? Has this continuous stream of blood sugar caused some damage to the little body it courses through? All because I got lazy for a few months, he might pay the price forever. Best case scenario, I just let my boy suffer for months. "Best" is being used very loosely here.

His hair is falling out again. Hair follicles are on a 3 month cycle. Which means that something happened in December to kill them in March. Which means that when he was sick the white blood cells attacked the good stuff when they were attacking the bad stuff to make him better. That's what autoimmune is. They might not have stopped with the hair follicles this time. If I had taken him to the doctor for antibiotics, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

What have I done?

4 comments:

  1. Trish...please don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you have been a little busy pushing a baby out and like keeping this new little person alive too. So, honestly...a couple of months is not gonna make or break Brandan.

    Chin up. Dust yourself off. And spank those bad boys (the blood sugars, not your kids - hehe) back down to size. You are doing just fine girl.

    Love ya Mama Pancreas!

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  2. Yeah... what Reyna said. Seriously, nobody can pep talk like that girl.

    Give yourself a break... I know the stress of having a (somewhat) new baby in the house. You feel like EVERYTHING is out of control because you're being pulled in so many directions.

    Hpoefully you feel like you have things under control soon. And when you do, tell me how... please? I'm dying over here!

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  3. Oh my goodness !!! BIG HUGS> dont punish yourself by even thinking it. Having a pregnancy/birth/new baby..omg what a job. And dealing with D on top of that, wow. You deserve a medal not a self-spanking. Hang in there, you love your kids you didnt do anything wrong... just get back on the horse. Hey do you think maybe you have some PND? I had it after all 3 kids, and really benefitted from some vitamin therapy to carry me through. (st johns wort and b group vits).

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  4. Thank you all for the pep talk. I refuse to give myself the excuse that I have a new baby. I refuse to think that I can't take care of all of them. I slipped. I did. I slipped. But I am getting back on track now.

    I have hope that nothing serious has come about. I'm beating myself up mostly about the immediate, his hair loss. :( I strongly feel that if I hadn't let him stay sick for so long that the white blood cells wouldn't have gone on attack again. I am so sorry that this is happening to him again. I'm sorry that I possibly could have prevented it and didn't. I knew the whole time he was sick, like everytime he gets sick, that it could happen. I don't know if taking him to the doctor would have made a difference, but if I had at least I would know that I did everything possible. But I didn't. I failed him on this one.

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