"JUST" A BATH BEFORE DINNER

I ran the water and added the bubble bath. I helped Logan get undressed and he climbed in the tub. Brandan undressed himself. I unhooked his pump, took the belt containing the pump off his waist, and placed a clip into the infusion site. I left them to play in the sudsy water and get clean. I was feeding the baby and trying not to think of the only thing on my mind. The last time I washed Brandan's hair I saw new bald spots. His second autoimmune disease is attacking again. He has alopecia. The last time, it took all his hair. But I'm not thinking about it.

I hear a musical tune. (Twinkle Twinkle Little Star) I know that the battery in his pump is low.

When the baby finished his bottle I swept the floor. I was stalling because I didn't want to wash his hair. Maybe it would be easier in 10 minutes. Yeah, right.

I washed Logan's hair first. I poured the water on Brandan's hair oh so slowly, but I still saw them. Two bald spots in addition to the big bald space at the bottom of his head that was already there. I stared at my hand, probably a little too long. I was looking for his curls. Finding them stuck to my fingers, I assured myself that it's normal for hair to come out when it's washed. I did the bathing thing and walked out.

I forgot. The pump needs a new battery. I went back to grab it and kept my eyes on the floor. I don't think the boys noticed. I got the AA battery out of Brandan's diabetes drawer and made a mental note that it's the last one. I sat at the kitchen table and replaced the battery. That little lithium device has a big job to do now. It's essentially gonna keep my son alive. I pushed the buttons and performed the whole "new battery" routine on the pump.

I got the boys out of the tub, dried them off and walked to their room with them. I put Logan's diaper and pj's on him while Brandan dressed himself. Then I put the belt on him and hooked the pump back to the site. Moment of truth. I put the comb through his hair. He didn't notice the extra attention I gave it.

I hadn't fixed any dinner. I offered grill cheeses. Brandan said no. The blood sugar reading confirmed what I heard in his voice. It was 285. Of course he didn't feel like eating a grill cheese. I pushed the buttons on the meter to give him enough insulin to bring the sugar down. He wanted crackers so I got the meter back out for more insulin.

They're done eating now. Their hair is dry. It's past their bedtime. And I'm sitting here writing this blog. I'm about to brush their teeth. The cream for Brandan's bald spots is in the bathroom. I used it a few nights ago and Brandan asked me why. I just told him because he needs it. He said he doesn't have boo-boos on his head. I don't want to do this. Yes, I do, because maybe I can save some of his hair.

I don't want to have to do this.