4 years, 1 month and 28 days

This was Brandan's exact age we he asked me the question I always knew would come. "Why do I have diabetes?" This is one of life's questions that there is no good answer for. I think about it all the time and hoped that by the time I was asked I would have an answer for him. I thought, I hoped, I would have more time. So when he threw me off guard with this question 2 days ago, the only answer that came to my mind was, "It's just something that happened to you." He asked, "Did it happen because my Hulk (his infusion set) came off?" It's strange that he thought of that because he's had T1 for over 3 years and just got his pump a few months ago. Oh, the thought pattern of an innocent 4 year old. I of course explained to him that his Hulk is there to give him insulin so his diabetes won't make his sugar get high, etc, etc. He accepted this answer, for now. I suppose when he's a little older and asks me that question I will get into the technical details of how he got diabetes. The why will never truly be explained or understood.

He knows Mama has a baby in her belly and he is fascinated that he used to be in there. :) He went through the whole story he learned; "I was in your belly, I grew bigger and bigger until it was time for me to come out, then I came out of your belly and the doctor caught me." But this time he added, "And I had diabetes." He was absolutely shocked when I told him he didn't have diabetes when he was born. He asked me when he got it so I told him, "When you were one year old." He thought on that for a minute. He had a look that no child should be able to put on their face. My heart broke. He didn't say anything else about it. He said he wanted to watch his movie and he turned toward his TV. I don't think he really watched his movie. I could see that he had thoughts going through his mind. I asked him if he was ok, he said yeah. I asked him if he wanted to talk about his diabetes anymore, he said no. I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything, he shook his head. He never turned away from the TV, but the look stayed on his face. I gave him a hug and told him I love him. It felt like longer than it probably was and he finally snapped out of it and got his attention on something else.

My thoughts are a bit scattered in this post, but it's been a while. He wants to know and understand and I want to help him. I know the questions will get more difficult. He always just accepts it though. He accepts every answer, everything he has, everything he has to do, everything he has to live with. He just accepts it.