Fear is my enemy. The fear that while I sleep one of my children might be suffering.
Fear that Brandan's blood sugar has dropped and he won't wake up.
Fear that Devin has stopped breathing and I might not get him to start again.
The fear for my first and third sons are obvious. But I fear for Logan as well. I learned nearly 4 years ago how quickly the world can change, how easily I could wake to find a new reality.
Each night is a battle between my physical need to sleep and my fear of what might manifest while I do.
Each night I go through my checklist of actions before I rest. Did they get their medicines? Their vitamins? Insulin? How many times did they eat? How many times did they pee? (yes, I think of that) Should I stay up for another BG check? Is the heart monitor on?
Did I really notice them all today? (Fear)
Did I forget anything? (Fear)
What if somebody is getting sick? (Fear)
Maybe I shouldn't have let him do that. Or should have let him do this. (Fear)
Every action I make has a direct reaction. A consequence. (Fear)
I sleep with one eye and one ear open. I sleep with fear.
Fear does not let me rest. Especially while I sleep.
Trish, you have a wonderful gift of putting your thoughts and feelings into words. I have watched Amy struggle with the same fears about the health of her girls. I'm not sure it ever gets easier for a mother to stop worrying about her babies, no matter how old they are! Just know that you are doing the best job humanly possible. You have a lot on your plate and seem to juggle three little ones quite well.
ReplyDeleteKathi Jennings
Sleep well tonight... just by your awareness you are taking very good care of yours my friend.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. If I wake up during the night I can't sleep again until I know what Sarah's blood sugar is.
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